Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Watching her eat just hurts me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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