Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
