i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
