i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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