hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
