I feel like abortions should bother me more
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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