apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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