She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
