got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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