There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
