I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
