We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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