meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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