Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
