Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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