you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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