I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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