I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I pour the whiskey from now on
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
