The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
