Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
