You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
