Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
