Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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