good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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