Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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