apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
