I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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