I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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