Just cropdusted the office
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
