it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
