Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
