I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
