I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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