Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize