I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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