My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
