Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
