Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I think people are normalizing furries
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
