Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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