mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I smell like Dick and happiness
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