you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
