My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
