Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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