Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
