we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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