It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
