Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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