Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The uberlube is also flammable
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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