so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
