just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
