I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
