hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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