If that was your dad, he is hot
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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