I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize