Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
