my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize