Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
