Sacagawea was the original milf.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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