i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
