franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
