Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
