I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
