And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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