So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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