what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
