So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
one might say we're banned from that church
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
